


Dead Above Us

by lionor



Series: The Universe Alive Around Us [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Childhood, Gen, Minor Character Death, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-28
Updated: 2014-11-29
Packaged: 2017-12-30 19:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 17,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1022459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionor/pseuds/lionor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Winona is a woman made empty by her husband's death, and sometimes it's only Jim who can see through her walls. In the process he builds some of his own. As their lives spiral into insanity and darkness, he must cling to what he's built. This is the story of James Tiberius Kirk growing up--the hardships he endures and the choices he makes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've planned on actually making semi-long. I don't know how long that actually is yet, but I hope you enjoy. I'll update as regularly as possible! Leave feedback if you want; it's always welcome!

His earliest memories were of his mother, sitting on the porch in the middle of the night. He’d wake up sometimes to the sound of her sobs, and hear the slam of the screen door to signal her exit. Sam never woke up – Sam could sleep deeper than a hibernating bear. And that was before Frank moved in, before his family twisted from something sad and pure to something dark and horrible. 

One of those nights, when he was seven, he got up. The stairs creaked, but he didn’t bother being cautious. He was old enough to sense the gravity of the situation, and yet young enough to keep asking questions. So he slunk down the creaky old stairs and out the rusty door and into his mother’s tearstained lap. 

“Jim, honey, what are you doing out here? Go back to bed!” she murmured, sniffing. He shook his head, and she let him hug her, childish warmth a comfort even in the balmy summer night. It was beautifully clear, the moon bright and the stars brilliant. 

“Why do you do it?” he asked after some time. “Why come down here when everyone’s asleep?”

“Because when I feel sad and think of your father, I want to look at the stars.”

“What does dad have to do with stars?”

She closed her eyes. “Everything, Jim honey. That’s where I met him, and where I left him.”

Jim knew without ever having been explicitly informed that his father died for some grand reason somewhere far away in the sky, and that he himself had been born there. When he was even younger, he used to think he was made of stardust. 

“Left him? I thought he left you.”

“I guess it could be either way, sweetie,” she choked, voice thick with a new batch of tears. Jim frowned in concern and edged a bit off her lap. “But it doesn’t matter,” she continued, between oncoming sobs. “He’s dead, and sometimes I feel dead too. Hell, the stars could be dead above us and we’d be looking at corpses in the sky, which is all he is anymore. And sometimes I think I can’t do this anymore, baby.” Tears fell quickly and she gasped and Jim swallowed hard, forcing himself not to follow suit. She took a few shuddering breaths and gulped. “Forget I said any of that, hon, and go back to bed. I’m fine. Go on, good night!”

“Sleep tight,” he whispered as he crept into the house.

A final sniff, and then, “I love you, Jim.”

“I love you too, mama.”

And it was a long time before either said the same again. 

 

~~~

 

His sheets had gone cold and so had his heart. _Corpses in the sky,_ he chanted, trying to change the words so they didn’t hold such emptiness, such horror and grief. He had no concept of either by himself – sadness for his father was only something he filtered from his mother. Sam would never say anything about George, and Jim knew nothing of the man other than he was very brave, according to everyone when they learned of his parentage.

Jim fell asleep without hearing the screen door again, and when he awoke, it was dawn and she was already at work. 

And so another few weeks slunk by and now, when he heard the door in the night, he didn’t get up. _The stars could be dead above us and we’d be looking at corpses in the sky._ Was that all his father was? A corpse in the sky? That couldn’t be, no, his father was brave and turned to star dust and he ought to be proud that his father was a great man. But his mother thought her husband was a corpse in the sky and every night he fell asleep imagining grinning Halloween skeletons in the stars, and he began to dread bedtime.


	2. Chapter 2

Then Frank came. Jim and Sam had never met their mother’s brother, and she never seemed willing to talk much about him. Something about the glint in her eye when she looked at him made Jim wonder if Winona wished her brother was the corpse. 

Sam decided immediately that he and Frank were a lost cause. Jim tried very much to like his new uncle – he’d never really had an adult other than his mother to look up to (teachers were too soft and frankly too stupid) – but he was a difficult man to love. 

That’s what his mother said: “Now boys, your uncle, he can be…difficult. Just trust me, this is for the best.” Sam had scoffed and stamped to his room, but Jim had just gazed at his mother. _Instinct,_ he thought. _Looking at the stars and calling Frank are just two sides of the same coin._ He’d read that metaphor in a book, and thought it sounded nice, even though he’d never seen physical currency. Credit wasn’t multifaceted. But Frank was, so Jim tried very hard to see his better sides. 

By the time he was eight, however, Jim had decided there really weren’t better sides to Frank. Sam had all but moved in with his best friend, so Jim stayed home to deal with the shards of his mother as Frank broke yet another bottle of beer in frustration. “Damn it, Winona, you shouldn’ta had kids by that idiot. They’ll grow up to be dumb Federation fucks just like him, and then die in space, and then where will you be? Because I sure as hell won’t be taking care of you in our old age.”

Sometimes his mother would shake off the dead starry emptiness in her gaze and mutter, “At least he believed in something.” But that would make Frank rage all the more, and Jim feared to look upon it. 

He was never as bad with Frank as Sam (Sam, who would scream and scream at their uncle for how he was stifling them, ruining them), but he’d found subtle ways to express his own dislike. _Or is it hatred,_ he mused when he was nine, _because I am burning._ So he’d poke holes in the beer cans (bottles got to be too expensive) and hide Frank’s shoes and kick dust on that stupid beautiful car. And for about a year, provided he didn’t look his mother in the eye, that sufficed.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam was leaving. Jim snuck away from that stupid car Frank had ordered him to wash and tried to talk his brother out of it. _Don’t leave me big brother, alone with the shards of our parents in the company of a drunkard. The sky is a dangerous place and mother will weep to see you enter it._ But he couldn’t say that. Sam didn’t understand – all he had was his own pain, and he made no room for others in that self-created darkness. 

So Jim dogged his brother’s heels as he marched up to Frank as they screamed at each other and Frank ordered Jim back to the car. Jim ignored him for the moment, following his brother. “I can’t be a Kirk in this house,” Sam declared. _You think I can be?_ thought Jim, sick at heart. And he watched as his brother strode down the driveway and onto the open dusty road, Frank cursing behind him. 

He dutifully turned back to the car and flipped down the visor to dust. The keys fell into his lap, and he turned them over in his hands, considering. The banked fire of his anger flared, and he jammed the keys into the ignition. He didn’t care what Frank would do to him. His mother was away and couldn’t be harmed, so it wasn’t worth caring. The car roared to life and Jim was off, driving, flying. 

~~~

The officer wanted much more than his name, and brought him in “just to ask a few questions, son, nothing to worry about.” _I am no one’s son,_ thought Jim, still burning, but he couldn’t completely blame him. He threw his anger onto the authorities, because at least they couldn’t smack him, but he knew that Frank was the only person he meant to hurt. _Or my father’s memory,_ he sulked, sitting in a holding cell. _My stardust father and empty mother and beer-filled uncle and vanished brother._ The smart jabs he threw at the child psychologist in the office were a bit too smart and a bit too cruel, and soon she left him alone and called Frank.

Frank came to pick him up in Winona’s car, a newer, more practical model. Neither spoke the whole ride home and the stormy silence continued until they were inside. Frank popped open a beer and closed the door of the kitchen, blocking Jim from creeping upstairs. “Boy, you went just a bit too far today,” he hissed in a voice like the corpses of Jim’s old nightmares. “I will not stand for it.” Jim looked down, trying to force away the rage he could feel in his throat, choking and clawing to attack Frank. His uncle stepped forward and yanked Jim’s chin up. “Listen goddamnit! I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT.” His fingers bit into Jim’s jaw, leaving pale marks the color of bone, and his breath stank of alcohol and ire. “I’m calling your mother in the morning. I’ve been telling her for a while now that you needed to get taught a lesson. She wouldn’t have it, you being her baby and all. But after the stunt you pulled today, well, that oughta convince her otherwise.”

Jim let his lip curl disdainfully. _I cannot care now. Mother is offplanet and I cannot care now that Sam is gone and I have to be the Kirk now what would my father do he would fly away (I tried that) he would speak and explode into stardust (so that is what I will do now)._ “Who do you think you are, my dad or something?” he spat, shaking off Frank’s hands. Jim wasn’t large for his age but he was faster and smarter than this dented can of a man before him. “Call my mother. I’ll call her too and we’ll get away. You want to know about all those mice that punctured your cans? That was me. And why your stupid car was dirty? Me. I hate you and I hate what you’ve done to us and I will never stop until you are gone away from my family.” 

And then Frank punched him. Speed Jim had but a grown man’s blows he could not counter, and Frank was enraged. So was Jim, but the burning cold ball of anger that made him hit back wasn’t enough, not this time. He flailed and yelled but knew it was fruitless – no one would help him, because there was no one left. Just him and his uncle and their hatred and their grief. 

He ended up on the floor, nose broken and spitting blood. “You will go so far into space your daddy’s precious Star Fleet will never reach you,” Frank breathed, pinning him to the floor. “You’ll go to school on that new colony. I don’t care what my sister thinks. I’m getting you on Tarsus.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Jim, honey, you know I don’t want this either.”

He glowered at the vid screen, the deep sympathy he normally felt toward her evaporating the more they spoke. “I don’t want to go to school on some colony, and certainly not at Frank’s behest.”

She half smiled at his diction – her clever boy – but continued, “He means well, and I know things have been hard, hon, but it will okay. It’s a flourishing place, and you’ll have a good life there…” She trailed off, his icy stare cowing her.

“Any place without Frank is better,” he muttered sullenly, formality lost. It wasn’t her fault, how horrible her brother was to her sons when she wasn’t home. But blame nevertheless leaked into Jim’s tone.

“There, see, find something positive. If you behave, I’ll come and visit you in a couple of years.”

“You shouldn’t come all the way out to a colony that I refuse to even go to.”

“Jim, I’m sorry, but I think it might be best. You’ve got so much ahead of you, why let Earth contain you? You belong in the stars, baby.” Her eyes sparked wetly, and Jim knew with sinking heart that she was thinking of his father. That he looked like his father. That he could be like his father. 

“I’m not him.” _I will not become him I don’t even know him why must everyone know him and not me._

“Honey, that’s not what I meant…”

“Yeah, okay.” And he felt like crying too. He felt cruel but she didn’t understand, didn’t see at all how much it hurt to be his father’s son. 

She turned to shut down the communication with a weary smile. 

“Mom, wait…” he trailed, his voice choking a bit.

“What is it?” she said quietly, patiently. So much more quietly and patiently than he deserved. 

_“You shouldn’ta had kids by that idiot” no, Frank, she shouldn’t have because this is hell._ “Mom, it would be nice if you came to visit me. I mean, if I go. Bye, I guess.”

She beamed and Jim looked down quickly. _I was burning and now I shiver._ “Okay Jim. I’ll write you. Bye, now.”


	5. Chapter 5

He was among the stars at last, and he loved them. The darkness was deeper than he could have ever imagined. Iowa nights were nothing to the profound emptiness into which he now plunged. And he was happy. His hatred of Frank only grew with distance, but he had to thank his uncle for the sky, as much as it pained him to admit it. But every time he closed his eyes after staring out the window for too long, he could imagine human figures drifting past, and he shuddered in an imagined Iowa summer breeze. 

And finally he found himself being shepherded onto a new world, breathing alien air and sleeping under unfamiliar stars. Somehow, though, this sky didn’t seem like a graveyard, and he felt for once the stardust that begat him wasn’t his father’s ashes. _I am more than floating bones in space,_ he thought, a fierce warmth that finally wasn’t buried wrath rising through his heart.

The school was large and made of a strangely pretty sort of lunar brick. Onyx-colored and imposing, it loomed on the edge of the largest town. Inside, though, it didn’t reek of beer or frustration or too many people cooped up in a starship, so Jim called it a success. _Home doesn’t have to miserable,_ he marveled. _I do not have anything left to fear._ He should have remembered that – dwelling and malaise did not have to be synonymous. But this exile was the closest he’d ever felt to humanity, and suddenly this little planet meant home. 

The teachers were kind and actually quite smart, as colonies sometimes drew brilliance. The society was a mélange of curious scientists and laborers, and Jim was amazed that it was everything he’d ever wanted. The laborer children were similar to what he was accustomed to at home, but they’d seen the stars too, and therefore understood him much better than any other children ever had. The children of scientists, too, were more thoughtful than the upper-class brats that somehow stumbled onto the prairies of Earth. 

Jim grew and laughed and learned and thought and felt. He was twelve, and he could recall with a shudder the burning emptiness of his childhood. Where that hot void had been there bloomed hope and warmth, comforting and protecting him in a world made new. 

He was proficient in every class, but he had a special affinity for history. Taking extra credits in the class for over a year had gained him access to records not otherwise available to minors, and he’d read up on the stars. He learned why his mother had wept into the night, and he found himself tempted to weep too. His father had indeed been brave. But here, orbiting a different sun, it didn’t seem so important. His father’s ghost wasn’t his definition, and Jim could read about him without fear of repercussions or pity. _I have overcome the space between my parents and I am free._

~~~

The class shivered with anticipation of the governor’s arrival. Jim had never even seen Kodos, and he wanted to know what to make of this mysterious brilliance behind Tarsus IV’s current prosperity. He had allowed extra rations to come to the school, and the feasts were merry. _You don’t have to die to be great,_ mused Jim, waiting with the rest of the class.

“Everyone, please rise and greet Governor Kodos! Children, this is a momentous occasion!” The teacher beamed, but Jim felt his heart go cold for the first time in years. This was no great man. He had the twist of a tyrant about him, Jim could feel it. _A bully, and I will not yield to him._ He didn’t know why the impression came to him, but Jim could almost feel cobwebs whisper across his skin when he looked at Kodos. He stood dutifully with his classmates as the governor entered (old memories of Frank surfaced, unwelcome _do not look him in the eye do not call attention to yourself do not even blink for this man is pain_ ), but the pit in his stomach that he’d almost filled in the two and half years he’d been on Tarsus suddenly gaped again. 

Jim had not missed hate, but he was very good at it.


	6. Chapter 6

And suddenly the dream was shattered. The flattering mirror Tarsus had been cracked and split and Jim was once again burning into gaseous ugly burnt-out stars. Kodos had a darkness ( _no, more, a deadness_ ) in him, Jim was certain. 

So his shock was less than that of his teachers and classmates when the first news came. _Famine famine famine_ chanted the reports. The school had feasted for the whole last months, there was no way the colony could be falling apart. _The logic doesn’t follow and neither will I,_ thought Jim, every time someone murmured, “Kodos is good, he’ll get us through this.”

The school felt very few effects of the supposed starvation, and though the meals were perhaps a bit smaller, they were sufficient. The children all managed to forget the doom that Jim could almost see hanging above them, and he was more receptive to the ominous whispers of the teachers in the hallways between classes, their eyes darting and their voices hushed. 

And then the first farm children started missing days at a time. Kevin Riley, a good friend of Jim’s, had been out a week. The boy was a good student, and paired with teachers’ already grim looks, Jim felt increasing worry seep through the halls. 

He crept out of his dorm room, the old childhood quietness coming back to him. He’d hadn’t had much cause to rebel these past years, but it was nearly impossible to take a skill from Jim once he’d learned it, and sneaking around at night was far too valuable an aptitude. 

It was too still outside. Nothing moved and Jim could feel the fear in the air, almost palpable, oppressive as a hot summer and infinitely more sickening. He scurried through the dark towards Kevin’s house. The route led him about a mile down the road to the little town, and the stillness was broken with smoke. Acrid flames rose in the square and he ducked behind an outlying building, listening. The fumes burned his lungs, but he didn’t feel it. All he could sense was anger, so much more raw than what Frank had elicited. 

He slunk around the outside of the square and heard cries. Some were familiar voices. “No, please, don’t take them! Stop, no-“ It was Kevin. Jim’s heart pounded, from fear or rage he wasn’t yet certain. He moved to get a better view. A line of townspeople formed against a warehouse wall, and Kevin’s parents were being dragged there, a security officer restraining Kevin. Other officers lined up opposite the people, hoisting big, old-fashioned automatic guns. 

Kevin bit and clawed at the officer holding him, and Jim snuck closer, ill-formed rescue plans whirling in his mind. “It won’t be so bad, kid,” the officer murmured. “You’re going to the reprogramming facility, and you’ll come to see this as a blessing. Kodos has blessed us.”

_Kodos has cursed us, and I curse him. All of you will pay for the oncoming storm._ Just as Jim prepared to leap out at the guard (he’d gotten very good at hand to hand combat in school), the security force raised their weapons and fired on the line. The flames rose higher and the stars were obscured by smoke and Jim’s horrified tears and hatred twisted inside him like nothing he’d ever felt before. _Men should not do this to other men we are not animals, and I will see justice I will not stand for this I will not wait for this to happen to me I will not not not not ever see this happen again I will prevent this these people and these stars are mine I will not allow this_

Kodos’s officers turned away from the carnage they had wrought ( _never again_ ), except for the officer holding Kevin. The boy had gone limp and slouched in the man’s arms, staring blankly at the wall, and Jim seized his chance. He sprang from the shadows and knocked Kevin a few feet away and hit and hit the officer who could do nothing to stop him and Jim felt the crunch of the man’s nose as it broke beneath his fist and the fire around him fueled the fire within him and then the man stopped struggling. _We are animals._

Jim stood up, panting, eyes clearing a bit. “Kevin, you have to stand up now, and come with me.” _But he is so broken how I can save him from himself I am a beast I just break things_ (blood dripped from his fist) _I don’t fix them._ The boy stood shakily, but stepped toward the bodies of his parents. “Kevin, stop. There’s nothing you can do for them but live for yourself now, so come with me. I can help.” _Lies lies_ he knew nothing. Only that suddenly he would do anything to save this world for the darkness descending upon it. 

Kevin turned back to him, eyes tearstained and empty. Beyond saving, but still worth trying. _We will all be corpses by the end of this, but I will not stand for it._ “Are there any others?” Jim planned desperately, flicking locations and food sources through his head until he settled on a good hiding place. “I will find a way to take care of you and anyone else we can find. Come on, Kev, we can get through this, just take my hand.” And finally the boy reached up at him and they walked away from the town, down the hill back toward the school, the townspeople dead above them.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm dividing this next sort of section into at least two chapters, if not more. It's both for your sake and mine - everyone benefits from frequent updates. Hope you enjoy!

Kevin was safe in the woods, under the canopy of alien trees shielding him from murderers and the sky. Jim forced himself back to the dormitory, exhausted and fully aware that he had to be up in less than an hour. The line of beds was undisturbed and Jim dutifully climbed under the covers, knowing sleep was impossible. He pulled out his PADD and checked for any comms. And felt his stomach plummet yet again: _“Jim, I’ll be planetside in two hours. Looking forward to seeing you. Love, Mother.”_ The timestamp dated from three hours ago. _Where is she why did I ever say she could come here please let her have been delayed this was never meant to happen._

He yanked the blankets over his head, burrowing into the starless safe darkness as the dormitory door swung open. Footsteps clicked lightly, weaving around the beds and growing steadily closer. And then a pause and then a touch and Jim bit his lip hard to keep from screaming. Faking bleariness, he poked up his tousled head. “What is it, headmistress?” he asked, giving a winning, sleepy smile, knowing how well his innocent blue-eyed gaze could work on his teachers. _But whatever innocence I thought I had is gone now._

“Jim, I need you to get up. You have a very special visitor.” _Is it her have they hurt her please I need her to be all right._

He nodded politely for the headmistress’s sake. “I’ll get dressed, if you don’t mind, ma’am.”

She smiled indulgently. “Of course, dear. The governor will be so glad to see you in nice things.”

Governor. No, that was wrong. But he followed her into the formal reception room anyway, keeping a little half-smile on his lips to cover up his trembling. Above all, he was certain, he must not betray his knowledge of that night’s killing. _Never again people will not die like that under my watch ever again._

“Ah, James.” Kodos stood up from the winged armchair, the headmistress’s best piece of furniture. He scuffed the perfect mahagony slightly with his perfectly polished military boot, and she frowned after the governor turned away from her. “James, my boy. We’ve just received the strangest guest, a friend of yours I believe. Do you know what I’m talking about?” His voice was cloying and Jim felt ill.

“No, sir, I don’t understand,” he lied sweetly, more for the sake of the headmistress than for Kodos. He wanted to kill Kodos, not kowtow to him. 

“Oh, was it to be a surprise? I do hope I haven’t ruined it. Winona, come out and see your son.” Jim’s breath caught, waiting to see his mother bloodied with bullet holes like Kevin’s parents, and he closed his eyes for a moment until he saw stars in the dark and a body floating across and nightmarish garish lights and he was so very very tired – 

“Jim, hon, look at me! I haven’t seen your pretty blue eyes in so long…” He gazed blankly at her. Perfectly unharmed, a little less thin than the last time he’d seen her, but age hinting around her eyes. 

“Mom, I didn’t expect to see you!” Instead of the vague pity he’d felt for her when they were with Frank, he felt a great rush of devotion and found himself hugging her, clinging to her like a child. And her arms went around him like a ward, like shields, protecting him from the glaring dead-eyed sky and the florescent lights of the formal sitting room and Kodos’s appraising, condescending gaze. But they weren’t safe ( _never again, no matter what I do to stop this safety is an illusion_ ). He turned his head and put his lips to her ear. “We need to get off this rock and get help for the planet. I can’t explain now, but you need to trust me, please.” _Be calm and listen please listen like you never did about Frank please people are dying._

She held him at arm’s length, spooked by his gravity. The impossible lurked in his eyes – fear. They burned, horrified, yet were simultaneously searing with suppressed rage. “Well, I’m glad I came,” she said loudly, smiling at Kodos and bringing Jim into her embrace again. “We can talk in a minute, baby,” she murmured into his hair, too quiet for the others to hear. He nodded, eyes pressed into her shoulder, and Winona felt a hot tear. She blinked back a few of her own and finally released him. 

“Governor, I’m so grateful for your hospitality, and I hate to impose, but do you mind if I have a moment alone with Jim? It’s just been so long since we’ve seen each other…” Jim marveled at the frankness of her brown eyes – he had his father’s looks and his father’s tragedy but he was Winona’s son too. He adopted the same polite, hopeful gaze for Kodos. _We can live for I still have her. We can fix our warped family._


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a little longer than anticipated, but the chapter's a teensy longer so there's that. More violence than previous chapters. Anyone who wants to join me in weeping is more than welcome. Oh, and it picks up right after the last chapter.

The governor’s studiously benign expression froze almost imperceptibly as he gazed back at the two Kirks. “Why, of course, Mrs. Kirk. I hate to intrude upon this…emotional time. Headmistress, please, let’s leave them.” They filed out of the room, still smiling woodenly. 

Jim turned to Winona, jaw set but eyes still spooked. “We have to get out. I’ve got…I’ve got a few other obligations, but we need to leave.”

She nodded slowly. “If you say so, sweetie. But…I don’t understand what’s wrong. Everything seemed okay last you wrote. Can you tell me what happened?” 

Jim stared at his mother and considered. _Yes I saw people die but don’t worry about me. Worry about escape._ “I will when we’re off. But right now I don’t want to say anything.” _You’ve wept enough._

She nodded again and touched his cheek briefly. “Then let’s get off this rock.”

~~~

Even as they planned their escape, Jim felt hopeless. He tried to look bright for his mother, interested for his teachers (what was left of them – more had gone missing in the past week), but it was so difficult to maintain the pretense of peace when he knew he was living on a planet at war. At night, he snuck food to Kevin and a few other ragamuffin children he’d collected. Not even his mother knew he hadn’t slept more than five hours in as many days. 

Winona was kept as an ‘honored guest’ of the governor and the school. She had a fine room and fine food (which Jim couldn’t help begrudging a little, even though she didn’t know how precious her hospitality was), and a servant, who was clearly a poorly disguised member of Kodos’s security forces. Just one more person Jim was prepared to bludgeon to death for the life of his family ( _because Kevin is family now, he has no one left_ ). 

He was dozing off in history (and that made him as guilty as anything else because Jim so desperately wanted to learn, despite the circumstances) when a security officer knocked on the door. The teacher answered, frowning, and conferred with him for a moment before beckoning to Jim. 

The officer led him downstairs to a waiting car. “Get in, brat. Kodos wants you.” 

Jim’s heart pounded against his chest, but he kept his breathing regular and gave the officer an icy stare. “Bet you’re just sorry he doesn’t want you. Better luck next time, _sir_.”

The officer scowled and slammed the car door. The windows were darkly tinted, and Jim could barely see where they were headed. Finally the car stopped moving and puff of air cooled the cabin. He realized too late that inhaling was what they wanted him to do, and darkness spidered into his lungs and he passed out. 

~~~

Jim came to in a room of white linoleum, white surgical light bearing down on him. He couldn’t move his hands. He wondered why they’d bothered to bind him – the room was empty and there was no sign of a door. Until suddenly there was. 

Kodos glided through the new opening, holding the bound wrists of Winona and dragging her to face Jim. “Hello, my boy,” he said in his voice like silk. Jim restrained a snarl. He wanted to rend that silk voice, rip at his polished boots, burn the dark from his twisted soul. “Now, now, James. Please don’t look at your mother like that. All I want you to do is talk to me, and Winny here is just going to sit in on our conversation.”

“I don’t care what you do to me, I really don’t. But do anything to her and I really will kill you.” Jim kept his voice flat, and was proud that it didn’t shake. _I will not stand for this._ His blue eyes were freezing hot.

But Kodos only chuckled. It was the kindest, smallest laugh Jim had ever heard, and it bit at his heart and he felt himself already bleeding. _No matter what I think I can face, this man will go farther. Farther. Father. Mother. No…_ “James, just tell me where the children you are hiding are located. I promise your mother will not be gravely injured if you do that for me.”

Winona looked up at that, and Jim knew how the curiosity would be consuming her, even as she was threatened. But she’d been hurt before and these were children he was protecting. “Like I could protect children,” he scoffed. “I’m a child. Your questions are impossible to answer.”

Kodos smiled. “Are they?” He stabbed Winona. The synthetic blade went to its hilt in her stomach and Jim felt it like it was in his breast as well, sharp and cold. She made no sound, but her mouth opened and closed and her eyes flooded with tears of pain. _She is a dead fish and we are drowning, no, floating on a rock in the sky in a graveyard..._ “James! James, we don’t have much time to save her. If you tell me now, my medical corps can heal her. Where are these children, James?”

Jim gazed at his rapidly expiring mother, and glanced back at Kodos, and the look in his eyes could have killed Klingons. “I will not stand for this. She has done nothing, do you hear me, you great intergalactic bully? Nothing. You are a murderer and I will not stand for this. Where are the kids? We are everywhere. And we will kill you.”

“Everywhere, you say? Would you care to be more specific?” The blade turned a little, and Winona let out a moan. 

Jim forced himself not to be sick and whispered, “Mother, I’m so sorry.”

Through her blood and tears Winona Kirk choked out, “Jim, baby, you’re made of stardust. I love you so much.” And she kicked Kodos and yanked the blade from her stomach and he blood flowed garishly and Jim felt tears streaming down his face. 

He struggled in his bindings, trying to reach her before she was gone forever, but all he could do was murmur, “I love you too,” until she was beyond his love just another corpse in the starscape of his mind. _Stardust? No, just dust. I’m disintegrating._


	9. Chapter 9

But instead of dustmotes, he became quicksand. Solid until suddenly a false step could kill. Or so he would be become, but now, as he gazed at his mother’s body and her blood staining the perfect polish of Kodos’s boots, he felt nothing but numbness. _I am a parentless child stranded in a graveyard and soon I too will be unmade and interred._

“James, my son, you should have told me. Now look what’s happened.” Kodos’s smile was brittle, and he fingered another knife. 

“Never call me your son. I’m a Kirk, and I will not see you hurt children, or anyone else.” He felt so empty, but the fire was still burning on fumes and he would not relinquish his pride. “You’re too much of a coward to do your own dirty work, so get one of your goons to come kill me.” Jim spat derisively on the now rose-stained linoleum floor, forcing down the bile that threatened to rise up and leave him even more impossibly empty. “I thought you were a chicken from the start. I wanted to respect you, I wanted to be-”

But Kodos had had enough of Jim’s oration and this time it was Jim’s breast that bore the wound. The knife slashed shallowly but painfully across his skin. He gasped with the shock of it and stared incredulously as his own blood trickled down his chest and into the sticky puddles of his mother’s vanished life. Breath was hard to snatch suddenly and the air caught in Jim’s throat. “Do it again,” he dared, managing not to choke. And he found that he wouldn’t care if Kodos injured him more. He was beyond that pain, and it would be so much easier to follow his mother into the black. 

~~~

Jim dreamt of his father, a faceless floating figure in command yellow with a crimson hole in his chest. Constellations formed and re-formed in the darkness behind his eyes but their glow was ghostly and he couldn’t tear himself away. 

He woke up shivering. He was in the woods, curled in on himself, fetal and pathetic. The long cut across his chest had been stitched shut and didn’t pain him, and he knew that the mercy meant he was trapped. _You may have freed me but I am still caged. Damn you Kodos what is your game I will not stand for more games what will you do to my people._

A twig snapped behind him and he jumped. The movement burned and he doubled over in pained surprise, holding an arm across his abdomen. Kevin stepped out from behind the foliage. “Jim! Jim, you’re alive. We thought the governor had killed you. We nearly starved but I remembered what you showed me about stealing food from the empty villages and we didn’t and now we’re getting stronger and –“

“Kevin, get away from me.”

“Jim? No, you’re hurt, we can’t leave…”

“Kevin, you have to get as far away from me as possible. I think Kodos is tracking me to get to you and the others. I’ll put you all in danger, so you need to get away.” He felt a lump just below his sternum, the source of that stabbing burn. “There’s a locator…in me. Give me a knife and get out of here.”

Kevin’s jaw dropped. “No, I’m not doing anything like that. You need to come with us.”

“Damn it, Kevin, give me a knife and leave.” _I am a bomb and I will not see you burn with me._ “You trusted me once. Do it again and I promise I’ll come back.”

The younger boy wilted a little, but handed Jim his narrow hunting knife that he’d proudly shown off the day his father gave it to him for his birthday. _A relic._ Jim accepted it with a nod. “Scram. I’ll find you when I can.”

Kevin left, slowly and begrudgingly, but finally Jim was satisfied he was safely away. He felt at the little knot beneath his skin that was undoubtedly placed there by Kodos. _By the end of this I will never touch a knife again. Fists are plenty._ But he nevertheless raised the blade. For a brief moment he contemplated stabbing it straight through the tracker and into his heart, but despite his emptiness ( _I must not remember mother, not now, not for awhile_ ), he had Kevin and the band to look after. So with the very tip, he dug out the tracker and bound the wound and tried his best not to faint.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm the worst for not updating. Sorry!! Here's a little more to make it better (read: sadder), hopefully. And I really do have a plan now.

And despite his wounds, both on his body and in his soul, Jim found himself the leader of an army. A small army, and on paper quite impotent. But the waifs and strays of children and farmhands he’d collected had an incontestable power: their ire. In their hunger for vengeance, they found a deep rumbling strength that Jim knew must frighten the governor. They would take Kodos down somehow. 

Jim kept tabs on the saved portion of Tarsus’s population he’d lived in until the arrival of his mother through the clandestine efforts of his history teacher. Ms. Sato had always been kind to him, and though she had no proof of Jim’s exploits, he knew she suspected, He respected her all the more for her silence. 

Kevin had become an adept thief, and he and Jim did most of the raiding for the little band. The few adults left alive had to stay out of sight or be shot on sight. Children were captured and taken to a reprogramming facility. These worried Jim more than he could admit – the brainwashing meant that it would be nearly impossible to incite a revolution in Kodos’s own men. Carefully calculated battles were the only way his people could survive. _But to kill even slaves makes me sick. I am so tired of seeing people die._ Despite how much Kevin and Jim could steal, they teetered perpetually on the brink of starvation. 

The worst had come when they found a child of no more than four alone in his parents’ house. Blood stained the floor but the kid was unharmed, except for the crippling hunger that made him continually weep. Jim did his best – he stole everything he could, but it was a light week. Finally, when he could no longer bear the child’s cries, he snuck into the school to consult Ms. Sato. 

“Jim. Fancy seeing you here.”

“Surprise, aren’t I. How’s life?”

“Just trying to keep my head down. How have you been, Jim?”

“You know, the usual. Trying not to die. Speaking of, I have a certain lack of resources in that respect.”

“What do you think I can do?”

“Come on, teach. You could get me food if you wanted to. Or I can steal it, if you tell me where it is.”

“Jim…I want to help you. I’ve been discreet. But if I tell you that, I will get both you and myself killed.”

“People are already dying out there. We are way ahead of you, so I’m begging you. Get me something.” He sighed and closed his eyes a moment. “Kids are dying. Students that you would have taught, except that they starved under those fascists who I can’t save them from. I can’t help them, but it would have been your job; they would have been under your protection. So help me help them. Please.”

She twisted her hands together. “It’s just that-”

“What, you have your own neck to save?”

“Come on, Jim, you think I haven’t already helped you? You think that if anyone asks I’d tell them about whatever operation you’re running? I do more for you than you know.”

“But you don’t feed the children.”

“No.”

“So tell me.”

She stopped twiddling her fingers and dropped her hands into her lap. “Fine. I’ll tell you where the warehouse is. But you can’t come here anymore. You’re going to get the kids that are still here killed along with your foolhardy self.”

That was good enough for Jim. He slipped out at dusk and returned to the band’s encampment, brimming with energy enough to feel like he had eaten at some point in the last three days. 

“Kevin, I got the place. Let’s go. How’s the kid?”

Kevin slunk out of a tent, eyes red. “The kid’s dead, Jim.”

The fierce joy he’d felt a moment ago whooshed out of his body like a blast of winter. _I lost him it’s my fault for dallying for bargaining when I could have just gotten what I wanted with a gun damn it I’m a death trap with a strung-out trail of bodies leading through the sky._

Nothing he could say would make it better. A child had starved before their eyes and nothing could ever fix that. So he had to get on with it. “Oh. Well, we still have the location. And I have a plan to take down Kodos’s army.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the long update time. But hopefully now that I've got a bit more time I will get a couple more chapters up. Still not happy, so be warned. Also, I can't say with any honesty that I researched the science with more than a quick cursory sweep, so forgive me and just enjoy the angst.

“Poison?” Kevin asked in horror.

Jim nodded, eyes dead and heart set. “Poison. So they will starve too. And if they are starving, they might finally call for Federation aid.” He looked around the room, daring the gaunt faces that stared back at him to criticize the plan and half praying they’d talk him out of it. _If I do this,_ he thought, _they will finally come to hate me as much as I hate myself._ And truthfully, he almost welcomed their animosity. People believed him too much these days, and their trust terrified him because he knew that soon he’d fail them. Better to do it on his own terms. 

“Are you sure about this?” another slightly older child asked him. “We won’t be able to steal from them anymore.”

“I know. But we can’t get much from them anyway. If we don’t make a move soon, we’re going to die.” _We’re going to die anyway_. 

The sallow-cheeked children around him began to nod. “Jim, you’re right,” said Kevin after awhile. “When do we start?”

Jim smiled grimly. “First we have to make the poison. So I’m going to talk to Sato.”

~~~

“Jim, you’re insane.”

“I know. So tell me what the chemistry prof has. I need the nastiest stuff you can find.”

Ms. Sato sighed. “I can’t. Not this time.”

Jim glared. “The last time you screwed around, a kid died. We are all on the brink of starving, so why don’t you hurry the hell up this time.”

“You can’t speak to me like that.”

_I know, but I have to, believe me._ “I don’t really care. I need the chemicals.” He watched her carefully, waiting. 

He didn’t expect her to wring her hands quite so tightly, for the decision to weigh her down so much. Her knuckles were white and she swallowed hard before finally, “Fine. Meet me tonight. Not in here, in the chem classroom. And…and be ready to say goodbye, okay, Jim?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” He felt the pit in his stomach sinking but couldn’t tell anymore if it was hunger or dread. 

“It means you might not have me around to help you anymore. But I’ll do it.” She closed her eyes and to Jim’s horror her lashes were wet with tears.

“Yes, all right, anything.” He turned to slip outside the window. “And Ms. Sato?”

She cleared her throat. “What?”

“Thank you. Thank you for everything. I’ll see you tonight.”

~~~

He waited in the forest by himself until it was dark. He couldn’t face going back to the band. Kevin had them well in hand, and sometime he was still worried he was being tailed. Kodos had been worryingly quiet for the past week – only one roundup and firing squad. They’d collected a few more survivors who hadn’t been in such bad shape. It was only a matter of time, though, Jim knew, until the common people completely ran out of food. It was getting cold and the hidden emergency stores were nearly out and he began to wish the whole damn planet would explode. _I want to die in fire like my father not in ice on this hell as evil keeps living I want to burn._ But Jim felt the fire that had nearly consumed him had banked and now he was empty with its absence. A dead star consuming itself in its own darkness. He couldn’t remember warmth or a full belly or the sound of his mother’s voice and he wanted to lie down and sleep until the black hole consumed him. _But the others suffer so much more._ He stood up to meet Ms. Sato. 

It was trickier to scale the wall to the chemistry classroom – it was closer to the security station and better lit. But Jim managed. He reached the window just as Ms. Sato was unlocking the door. She looked up at him and nodded for him to open the window. 

“We have to move fast. I poked around this afternoon and I think your best bet would be dimethylmercury. It will take about a month for the symptoms to show up, so be careful not to steal anything. Now take it and go.”

Jim nodded and accepted the package. “What about goodbye?”

“Oh. Goodbye, Jim. And good luck.” Her smile was brittle and too large. 

“Thank you, Ms. Sato. But why-“

“Jim, you have to go now. Get out that window right now.” The firm urgency in her voice forced him to move, and suddenly he realized that footsteps were pounding outside the door. He ducked his head beneath the window frame just as the door flew open. A single gunshot. Men’s voices. Jim clambered down the wall, numb with cold from both the night and his heart. 

As soon as he’d scurried back to the woods, Jim opened the package. In it was a long vial of the poison and folded piece of paper. 

_Jim,_  
 _I’m sorry for what is going to (just did?) happen to me. The chemistry professor is a rat, and I knew as soon as you asked me that he would betray me. But it’s all right. What you’re doing is worthwhile if you can pull it off, worth much more than my life. Keep yourself and your kids safe, and get off Tarsus. I know if anyone could do it, it would be you. Be extremely careful with the dimethylmercury. If you touch it, you’ll end up dying from it eventually too. Put the entire vial in their well, and soon enough they’ll die._  
 _Above all, good luck._  
 _H. Sato_

Jim sat down in the crisp, cold leaves and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to not sob. _One more person who got herself killed for a cause she believed in only for me. I am a murderer._


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize this whole delayed update thing is becoming a pattern. Sorry, and I'll try to get better in the new year!

He tried to wipe the grimness off his face before going back to the others. Tried to get the chapped lips to smile and the eyes dead above the mouth to look anything but empty. It was a pointless exercise, but one whose futility he at least managed to conceal. Kevin didn’t even look concerned as Jim slunk back inside the husk of a building they were calling home that week. 

“Did you get the poison? Are you sure this is the best plan?” Kevin asked. 

Jim smiled quickly, more a bearing of teeth than an expression. “It’s all we have. And as much as I don’t want to kill people, the fact remains that we will die if they don’t.” Kevin’s face fell but he nodded in agreement. Jim clapped him on the shoulder. “All we have to do is last another month, and we should be okay. Now come on, let’s get this started.”

~~~

Sometimes he amazed himself, the cheer he could force through his voice, the bright sharpness he could force into his eyes. Another village was razed, hundreds more people were dead, and Jim could barely make time to bind wounds. Instead, he had to go end more lives. With a smile on his face so no one could see his empty soul. 

He didn’t let anyone come with him into the warehouse. Sato had been a little confused: there was no well to poison, and he himself realized that he didn’t have enough dimethymercury to poison all the food. However, the water kegs could be easily breached and the poison would be nearly imperceptible. 

It was so easy. Too easy. But no one accosted him as he crept out of the compound, and he began to wonder if everyone was already dead. The planet seemed empty, and Jim was suddenly acutely aware of their position alone in space, where no one would ever go on purpose. _The Federation will never rescue us,_ he realized. _Why should they bother. This isn’t a final frontier, it’s a wasteland._

~~~

The month limped by, and Jim’s mind wandered again to his parents. No, his mother was wrong; he had never been stardust. He was the space between the lights, he was the void, he was nothing and everything and he couldn’t bare it. The gnawing in his stomach had crescendoed and died and now he couldn’t even remember hunger. He gave all he could to the younger children and only when Kevin reminded him to keep at little for himself did he eat begrudgingly. 

He watched as children and the few adults left alive after raids starved slowly around him. The small army he’d had at the height of summer had dwindled until there were barely thirty people hanging on. If hunger didn’t strike them down, the cold did. Jim marveled that he was still as well as he was: the inner fire he had believed dead seemed to keep some embers in his belly to prevent his own collapse. 

Finally there was a week to go before the month was up. Kodos had made few attacks, and Jim was almost pleased when he went to spy on their compound a few times: the officers were growing lethargic and their drills had slowed down to nothing. Three days before the end of the month, Jim went again and witnessed a funeral. _So it begins and so it will end,_ he thought. He felt no pity, no remorse. Guilt, yes, but he realized that guilt would be with him forever and to acknowledge it over and over again just brought pain. He had barely the strength to plan, let alone to torture himself. 

When Jim had looked his fill, he began to slither back down the embankment to head to the camp. He could still move silently, despite his increasing weakness. He stopped to lean against a tree for a moment, questions flitting through his mind. When had he last eaten? A week ago. When had he last drunk? Yesterday? The day before? He shivered a little and felt a warm hand against his arm. His eyes flew open, though he only expected one of the stronger adults from his dwindling band. 

“Oh, dear James, how ill you look! Please, I insist you come with me to share a meal.” Kodos smiled kindly, gazing at Jim with steel eyes. Jim attempted to struggle and Kodos’s hand moved from his arm to his neck. “No, my boy none of that.” Darkness descended.


	13. Chapter 13

Jim woke up with a horrible ache in his wrists and a strange lack of balance and he struggled until he found that he was tied against a wall, arms crossed behind his back and his full weight leaning forward. The room was dim and he could barely see the door across from him. Probably the basement of one of the compounds, judging by the earthy smell and high slit window. In the grim-filtered dusk, he could make out a small glass by the door, full to the brim. He tried to swallow and found he couldn’t, and he gasped involuntarily, feeling like a suffocating fish. Running his tongue over his split lips, he closed his eyes and attempted to expunge the water glass from his memory. 

He must have slept, for when he opened his eyes again there was a little more light trickling through the window and cursed glass seemed closer. Thinking was becoming increasingly difficult, and the longer his eyes were open, the more the light seemed to bore into them until his eyes felt scorched. The glass was gloriously clear, and the light sparked off the brim casting a shimmering shadow on the dirt floor. Jim felt as if he was looking into the sun itself and then his eyes slid shut and he was lost in space again, floating dead above the world and half-hoping he would not awake again. 

~~~

“James. James, I want you to wake up now.” Kodos’s voice was saccharine and no matter how dead Jim felt, he would not do Kodos’s bidding. The embers in his heart stirred a little and through the haze of dehydration he felt cleansed by the flame. He faked unconsciousness. 

“James!” Such insistence. _I will never do as he desires he will never win -_ A gloved hand smacked him hard across the face and he couldn’t stop his eyes from flaring open and a brief exhalation from crossing his painfully cracked lips. 

Kodos smiled. “Ah, James, I knew you’d come to. Now, you must be thirsty. Drink, please.” He proffered the gorgeous glass, which was slightly less beautiful now that Jim could see it up close. Just a cheap chunk of synthetic materials superheated until transparent. _I must not become that glass. I must not be transparent._

Jim managed to croak, “Not thirsty, thanks. But you can go drown yourself in the stuff.”

Kodos’s little simper made Jim’s skin crawl. “Now, now, my boy. A month ago I might have. But you’ve been a busy little bee, haven’t you? My men have shown me that this water is not quite so pure as I would like. Just like the population of this little colony. Of course, with your band of ragamuffins mostly starved out, it’s much closer to perfection.”

Jim’s heart sank but he couldn’t stop the bravado now. “Watch who you’re calling ragamuffins, old man.” His throat and tongue were so dry that the words came out as a thin ill-formed whisper. He hated the weakness almost as much as he hated the man who had caused it. If any moisture had been left in his desiccated, starved frame, he would have wept. 

“James, why are you still fighting me? The only way you’re going to live now is if you drink and listen to me.”

_That would kill me more than dehydration or starvation or any wounds you could inflict._ “I told you, I’m really not thirsty.”

“Everyone thirsts for something,” Kodos hissed, setting down the cup and grasping Jim’s already aching throat. “Even me. I don’t want to see you die easily, my child.”

Jim tried to spit in the governor’s face, but all he could manage was a shallow cough. “Good. I’m not going down without a fight,” he choked.

The grip loosened suddenly. “No. Of course, you’re right. Well, my boy, know that your little friends fought have drunk their fill. And you need only join them.” He flicked out a narrow knife. “Don’t forget I was here, James,” he murmured as he drew the point lightly across Jim’s neck and then, to Jim’s surprise, slashed the ropes around his wrists.

The blade was so sharp that Jim barely felt it until after Kodos had left and until he had slumped forward to his knees. He was too weak to stand, and watching his crimson blood trickle from the cut made his empty stomach churn. He didn’t have much blood left to lose, he thought. 

He had no idea how long he knelt there, but he stared at the water glass and his dripping blood until he felt faint and his blood turned to silver star dust and the water turned ruby colored and he couldn’t think he could only observe. _Water transmuted to blood which is thicker than water which is wetter than space which is lighter than air which is deader than his dead father Jim Kirk is nothing now he has floated away._

Jim took a sip of the water. And a gulp. And then the glass was drained.

The world snapped into focus again and Jim gaped in horror at the empty glass before him. And he realized in drinking it, he’d condemned himself to an even slower and more painful death than starvation. He hadn’t tasted the dimethylmercury, but it was there, a lethal tribute to Kodos’s victory. 

He’d lost. But he wasn’t dead yet, and he wasn’t about to go down without a fight. The cut across his throat had clotted and dried, and the water had cleared his head and given him the strength to stand. For how long, he didn’t know, but he probably wouldn’t need much longer. He cast about the small prison for anything to use as a weapon or a lock pick. His eyes landed on the iron bars across the window, but they were too high and he was shaky enough with a little pacing. He tried the door anyway and found that it opened. _Kodos expected this. But Kodos does not expect me. And I am not felled yet._


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I'm dreadful for not updating sorry sorry sorry. Also for not quite getting to the thing. That means it's worth waiting for, though, right? Please enjoy and be patient with me.

Jim staggered out the door, leaning against the wall outside after only a few paces. Black spots inked across his eyes and crackled around his brain, and he realized after a few moments that the strange sound he heard was his own labored panting. A name filtered through his mind: Kevin. He had to find his band, or what was left of it. From what Kodos had said, they were in custody. He propped himself against the wall and staggered along it, keeping his hand stretched out front and letting his eyes flutter closed from time to time. 

He expected to stumble into another prison cell. What he found was a food cellar. It wasn’t a main supply, and what little of his brain could still form advanced analytical reason seethed: the colony hadn’t been starving until Kodos convinced them of it. In here was enough to get two families through a month of famine. And enough to get James Tiberius Kirk on his feet. The bread was stale and the water questionable, but he didn’t have much time left, and dying of a bacterial infection a week before the dimethylmercury killed him didn’t make much difference. 

Jim didn’t know how long he stayed in the storeroom, biding his time and gathering his strength. But when he next stood up, he felt almost strong again. He took a small sack full of biscuits and a flask of water and searched again for his band.

~~~

And finally he found them, deep in the warren of prison cells underneath Kodos’s main bunker. His head was finally clear and he was strong enough to wrest open the barely latched door. Kevin and most of the other children were in various stages of collapse in their shackles. Jim rushed to Kevin first: if he could save Kevin, he would save the others, for by the end they had trusted the younger boy almost as much as their fearless fasting leader. 

“Kevin,” Jim murmured, gently shaking the boy’s skinny arm. “Come on Kev, I need you to wake up. We’re gonna get out of here.” Kevin moaned slightly but did not open his eyes. Jim shook a little harder. “Come on, come on, you can do it. I’ve got some water and a little bread that you can eat if you just open your eyes.” 

The boy moaned again and shook his head almost imperceptibly. “No,” he whispered. “Can’t. Won’t.” 

_Damn it you must; you will._ Jim closed his eyes, forcing himself to calm down. “You can. We will get out of here. Now I’m going to pour you a little water and then unchain you and then when you feel better we’ll help the others. Ready?” He didn’t wait for an answer, and after a bit of time, Kevin had revived. 

Jim went around and checked the others. Only four of the children were still alive. And this time he didn’t even feel numb. Ten people had died in that room, and he couldn’t even feel it. A blank universe was inside his head and the only pinpoint of light was ending Kodos. Bodies had blotted out all the other stars and he couldn’t bear to count them. 

With Kevin’s weak and nearly incoherent help Jim got the last four children some water and bread, enough to keep them alive for a day longer.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't abandon you, see! I'm so so so sorry for taking yet another million years. Please enjoy!

“Face it. We have to go up there eventually,” snapped Jim, more forcefully than he’d intended. Kevin didn’t deserve his frustration, and the kid could barely keep his head up, let alone face the governor. “Look, I’m sorry. This is hell and it’s my fault, but we have to end it. His men are mostly dead and dying--“

“So are we, Jim.” Kevin’s voice was hollow with hunger and grief. “We’re dying.”

Jim closed his eyes for a moment. “I know. But we’re going to take him down with us.”

“What’s the point?”

“We’ve lost too much to stand for one more day of torture. If he doesn’t die, he’s killed us completely on his own terms. If he loses nothing, we’ve lost our dignity as well as our lives. He doesn’t deserve to get out if we don’t. And come on, Kev, he’s evil. Legitimately insanely evil.”

Kevin stared at the cellar floor fixedly. “If we kill him, does that make us evil too?”

 _No, I’m the only evil one._ “It’s a kill or be killed situation. And everything bad that we’ve done is my fault. Nothing is on you, Kevin. You’re innocent, with the misfortune of having been on the wrong planet at the wrong time. No one will ever condemn you for what’s happened here.”

A tear slid down Kevin’s cheek and was quickly backed up by a sob. “This was my home, Jim. I used to love it here and now everyone I ever knew is dead and I feel so sick and empty…” He trailed off piteously. 

_Me too._ “Hey, hey, Kevin. Listen, you’ll make it. You’ll find another home. You and these other kids, you’ve got a shot. I’ll make sure you get a shot at living.” _I don’t need one. All I have is the lies I keep telling you and the blackness of my hatred and that is it. I am twisted and dark as the space that ate my father and my mother and now it’s coming for me._

~~~

They were all weak and cold and shaking, but they could stand. So Jim led them out of the cellar and up the dim staircase he’d found the day before. On that exploratory expedition he had also found a small phaser, which he carried now. There weren’t other munitions enough for the children, and Jim didn’t want them responsible for any further deaths. _I am already a killer and no one else should shoulder it now._

He didn’t care what they would discover at the top of the long climb—he hoped for Kodos’s body, but didn’t put much faith in it. The governor’s men were too listless and brainwashed to try anything, and starvation couldn’t have gotten the man himself so quickly. 

At the top of the dingy cement staircase Jim could begin to make out a crack of daylight. So he gritted his teeth and shepherded the other children up and kept climbing and finally they reached the door. 

Jim looked behind him at the little ones. “Don’t come out just yet. It might not be safe.” Kevin nodded and moved to stand in front of them. Jim nodded once in thanks and hefted the phaser. _Forgive me for what I may do,_ he thought to nothing in particular. Maybe it was for his father, or for his mother, or for all the people he’d seen die. But it was also for himself, to the wide-eyed child that he had been.

He kicked open the door. Outside there was nothing but a pile of bodies ready to be burned. They all looked like security officers, and Jim’s heart dropped. _Forgive me forgive me forgive me…_

He forced himself to turn his head, to see the rest of the compound’s courtyard. And suddenly to his left he heard that whispery, syrupy voice: “Sweet, dear James, clever enough to get out of my little prison. What did I do to receive the honor of seeing you again?”

“You’re still alive, for one thing. And you did a damn bad job of killing me so I thought I’d say hi.” Jim slowly drew the phaser around to point at Kodos. 

“Cheeky little boy. If you wanted to die, you need only have asked!” He snapped his fingers and pain blossomed in Jim’s back. _Sniper,_ Jim thought dimly. _How did I manage that stupidity after all this I’d almost made a stand._ He stumbled forward, trying not to fall, still fumbling weakly with his own phaser. Kodos smiled. “Oh child, I’ve slain you either way, now. If by some miracle you don’t bleed out, the poison will see you dead in a week.”

Jim took a deep gasping breath and choked out, “I’ll never give you the satisfaction of watching me die.” He hoisted the phaser, which grew heavier in his arms, and fired once, twice at Kodos. The governor shrieked and Jim smiled grimly before falling to his knees. A strange whirring noise surrounded the compound and the cold air stirred. 

The rest came in flashes, fits of pain and consciousness. A uniformed woman bending over him, asking if he could understand her. A stretcher on which he was placed, the process of moving leaving him too exhausted to cry out from the burning pain of the wound in his back. A question, _Are there more of you,_ to which he replied, _Children. Open the courtyard door. Let them live let them live let them_

And then stars. Black and empty and piercing. And finally when he found himself dead above the world he knew he didn’t dream it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A well-deserved update. I haven't given up, don't worry!

“He should be stabilized. I don’t understand why he hasn’t stabilized. He’s got all the nutrients he needs and he’s still dropping weight. It won’t be more than a week until he goes if we don’t figure it out.”

Nurses were flitting around him every time he came to, no matter the hour or how long his sleep had been. He couldn’t remember much, only that there was pain if he looked for it. Most brief periods of consciousness seemed pointless and the drugs that were pumping into him were powerful, so he tended to succumb to sleep. This time, however, there were shades of fear in the nurse’s voice that he hadn’t heard before. A week. He gasped, fully awake now, his entire body convulsing. 

The nurse who had been speaking rushed over. “Hey there, shh, don’t worry. You’re safe and onboard the _USS Coventry_ , Federation med ship bound for Earth. I’m Nurse Tan.” 

Jim sank down into the biobed, still shivering. Every vein hurt suddenly and he bit back a moan. The nurse frowned and checked various scanners. Jim watched her and said finally, “I’m dying.”

The nurse ducked her head, preparing a kind lie behind her affected calm. Jim shook his head weakly and forced himself to keep talking. “There was a poison and I drank it. It…might not show up in the blood work anymore but it’s killing me.”

“No, definitely nothing like that in the blood work,” confirmed the nurse, tapping furiously at a PADD. An alarm blinker went off behind her head, and a doctor barged in. “But you could be right,” the nurse continued, still quiet and calm. “Do you have any idea what it might be?”

His eyes were slipping closed and his entire body throbbed. “Di…dimethylmercury. Check the others,” he murmured and slid into darkness again. 

~~~

Time passed immeasurable around him, though whether it was too fast or slow he could never say. For a while there was pain, and then there was nothing. He realized vaguely that he’d stopped hurting and that he could breathe without machines and that he could eat independently. But he felt nothing. Tarsus pulled him back at every blink and he couldn’t stay awake long enough to escape. He knew nothing of the fate of the other children, nothing of Kodos’s death, and nothing of the Federation’s reports on the lost colony. 

~~~

“He’s hungry as a baby bird,” murmured Nurse Tan to another nurse as they checked his vitals. The ship was on night rotation, and space sucked the dim light from the medbay and kept Jim’s eyes glued shut. He pretended to sleep. 

“Broken-winged baby bird,” the other replied. “But we’ll teach him to fly again soon enough.”

Tan murmured in agreement and Jim kept his eyes closed. Baby bird, no. Even broken-winged, a bird was supposed to long for flight. All he wanted was to drown. 

~~~

The nurses all loved his flaxen hair and ice blue eyes, and even as his heart froze, he charmed them in circles. And when he was alone he hated his cavalier flirtations and the loyalty they pledged him so easily. But guilt didn’t stop him from using it. Guilt was the only thing that kept him grounded on the _USS Coventry_ , and he hid it and nurtured it so he would never fly again.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even have *too* much to apologize for this time! Hope you enjoy!

The _USS Coventry_ landed in San Francisco, where Jim was to be kept under Star Fleet care for another month, or “Until we find you some family,” as Nurse Tan put it one day. _Good luck there,_ thought Jim grimly. He hadn’t heard anything of Frank since he’d plunked him on the ship to Tarsus, and Sam was even longer gone. He stopped himself before thinking about either of his parents. He’d come to like the numbness of when he couldn’t see their profiles against frozen constellations. 

~~~

The nurses continued to fuss over him, though he was well enough to take care of himself. “Are you sure there isn’t anything you want? Not chocolate? I can get you good stuff they won’t serve in the dining hall.” 

He smiled and raised his eyebrows. “Nothing a little stronger?”

That day’s nurse was new to his unit, and frowned. “Aren’t you fourteen or something?” 

Jim shook his head and lied easily. “You insult me! I’m seventeen if a day!” It took him a moment to calculate whether he actually was fourteen. No, couldn’t be, he was fifteen or even sixteen…The last birthday he could remember properly celebrating on Earth was his ninth. His twelfth was mentioned in class on Tarsus. _Ms. Sato had made cupcakes and everyone had been there. The sun had been brilliant that day and she let them out fifteen minutes early as a gift._ Jim coughed and winked at the nurse. “Don’t worry, I’m very discreet.”

It was that night that he first tried tequila, and found that it made him sick. But it made him drunk first, and intoxication was exactly what he wanted: he could drown in nothing but a shot glass with a smile on his face.

~~~

He’d perfected the art of listening without betraying his guise of sleep. The nurses stood outside the ward door, murmuring among themselves. 

“So the uncle said he’s not interested?”

“That’s what PR said.”

“Imagine saying no to his pretty little face, though!”

“I think his family’s a little more screwed up than that. Do you realize who his dad is?”

“Should I?”

“Probably. Look at him. Blond. Adorable. His last name is Kirk…ring any bells yet?”

“Oh my god.”

“Yeah.”

“The mom was alive, though, wasn’t she?”

“Check the records of the colony.”

“Oh my god.”

“Yeah.”

“So what will they do with him?”

“Put him in a home? Foster care? Let him start the Academy early? Who knows. And no one has quite figured out what happened on the colony yet either. He’ll be called in for hearings.”

“Poor kid.”

“Yeah.”

~~~

“What have they decided, do you know?” Jim gave his widest, bluest stare to Nurse Tan.

“I don’t know yet, hon. They’ll make sure you have somewhere safe to stay. Everything will be fine. Star Fleet takes care of its own,” she answered, smiling. Not all of it was false, but nor was it all real, Jim decided. Nothing about the hearings mentioned to him. 

“Is there anything you want to do before you leave the hospital?” she continued. 

Jim looked down for a moment. “Is there any way I could see another patient from…the colony?”

Tan’s face stiffened imperceptibly. “I can look into it.”

“Kevin Riley. I just…I’d just like to talk to him.”

“Sure thing. I’ll see what I can do. Now give us a smile and take the protein pill.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the average delay. Sorry guys! Hope you enjoy and stay tuned for more!

The next day Jim was hustled out of the facility. He went quietly, but kept on guard. He’d had enough hustling in the last few years. Four Star Fleet officers flanked him, and the nurses stood outside the door to see him off. He caught Tan’s eye and mouthed, _Kevin?_ She frowned and shook her head imperceptibly. A pit in his stomach dropped. _I should not fear, this is the Federation. Nothing is wrong. Neither of us did anything wrong. Well, he didn’t at least…_ But what he really wondered was if Kevin was still alive. Or worse, if the boy didn’t want to see him. _Murderer._

As they walked through the long clinically clean hallway, Jim looked down a crossing corridor to see a mirroring group. Kevin was in the center. They made eye contact briefly and Jim tried not to look too desperate. But Kevin’s eyes flicked downward and he turned away. The unbidden fear that had been in Jim’s stomach turned cold and dissipated into numbing darkness.

The officers frog-marched him to a car and sat him in the backseat. They didn’t know how to help him when he started hyperventilating, offered no support as he folded in on himself, remembering the last time he’d been forced into a car, the last time he'd seen Winona. He refused to let himself cry, but the sobs transferred into horrible gasps. Nurse Tan was summoned to look after him.

“Jim, what is going on?”

He shook his head, choked and breathless.

“Hey, hey, just breath with me. Nothing bad is happening to you. You’re being transferred to a foster home that will be more comfortable than the hospital. Nothing is bad. The people there are kind, I guarantee it. Then you’ll be escorted to the hearings concerning the colony and-“

“Stop,” Jim gasped, holding up a hand to block her comforting touch. 

“What?”

“Hearings. Why has no one told me about the hearings?”

Tan’s face went blank and pale. “They—it—never mind. I’m not supposed to know anything. Federation secrets and all. But it’s going to be okay for you Jim, if you just answer their questions and take a deep breath once in a while.” She forced a smile. “Don’t…don’t put your nose where it doesn’t belong, and everything will be fine.”

Jim’s panic abated and transmuted into anger and for the first time since being in the hospital. He missed space: the blackness, the hopeless emptiness and the tiny pricks of stars. He wanted to hurt Tan suddenly, blame her for not telling him more. But the last time he’d tried that, Sato was executed in a classroom. Jim bit back a retort and settled into the seat. 

“Okay now?” Tan asked. He nodded mutely without meeting her concerned gaze. Officers ushered her away from the door and the driver started the car. Jim didn’t look back. 

Almost to his grim surprise, Jim sat the whole drive in full consciousness, undrugged and unharmed. The couple who were to serve as his foster parents seemed kind and unthreatening, though he couldn’t help but scan the living room for possible weapons. _Refreshing,_ he thought wryly. _At least on Earth they have to have a pretty specific reason to end you._ He wasn’t hungry, and he’d gained a little weight back since his stay in the Federation hospital, but he could tell that both the “parents” were itching to see some meat on his bones. _I’m destined to disappoint._

The officers, having inspected the premises for safety once more, took their leave, and Jim sat in the center of the living room’s loveseat, with the man and woman across from him. They smiled in what they probably thought was a comforting, homey way, but all Jim could see was Frank’s leer and his mother’s broken eyes. He felt nine years old and so very alone. And he realized that he was more alone than he had ever dreamed of at age nine.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the terribly long update time. Again. But there's a little cameo that might be pleasing! Enjoy and feel free to comment!

The couple was elderly, and went by the unimaginative last name of Smith. They left Jim to his own devices, for which he was grateful. Manners were all but beyond his muster these days. He nodded taciturnly in response to any dinner table question, and felt almost proud that he’d managed to keep the vitriolic commentary to a minimum, at least in speech. Sometimes he salted the evening mashed potatoes a little vigorously and received a quelling glance from Mrs. Smith, but he always returned her gaze coolly, blue eyes shards of ice. Sometimes he would smile a little and murmur demurely, “Can I help you, Mrs. Smith?” to which she would frown and shake her head. He hated the glee he gleaned from those tiny putdowns. 

The officers arrived in a large sedan and didn’t even bother to knock. The Smiths seemed to be prepared, and ushered the two large men into the kitchen to wait for Jim. He was bustled into a suit, whisked some breakfast, and subsequently piled into the sedan. He forced himself to breathe slowly, trying to preempt the anxiety attack he could feel building around him in the dark car. “So where are we headed, boys?” he asked, plastering on his wry grin. “Joyriding?” It was the same grin he’d given Sato before asking her to die for him, the same grin he’d given Kodos’s security officers, and it haunted him how easily it sprang up in the darkness. 

They didn’t answer. They didn’t even move. “God, you guys are a laugh a minute.”

The sedan rolled up smoothly to one of the Star Fleet administration buildings. The officers flanked Jim in a tight formation, making him invisible to passerby, and marched him into the building’s courtroom. A curtained partition stood where the witness stand should have been. Jim was directed to the chair at the foot of the stand, where a young man in uniform was waiting. “James Tiberius Kirk?” 

Jim nodded. “So why are you trying to hide me? See no evil, hear no evil?” 

The man smiled tightly and shook his head. “Earth law requires your presence at these hearings so that you can give a statement, but Star Fleet is attempting to grant you as much privacy as possible during this…difficult time.” 

“And so we put cloisters in courtrooms for the sake of my childish sensibilities. Where was Star Fleet’s coddling attitude while people were dying on Tarsus?” The ill-concealed rage spiked red and Jim wanted to say more, to scream, to shake the man until he understood how little this courtroom really mattered. 

“Don’t waste your breath on me, kid, save it for the hearing,” said the man, grey eyes intense. “I—“

One of Jim’s entourage officers glared at the young man. “Getting chatty for an intern, aren’t we, Pike?” he snapped. “Please go and assist with the jury personnel.” 

Pike saluted and marched through a side door. Jim sighed. And to think he’d almost had an ally. 

A young cadet brought him a glass of water and smiled shyly at him. “For what it’s worth, I thought you were very brave,” she murmured, and scampered away again. 

Jim stared blankly at the glass in his hand. _You wouldn’t think that if you knew._ The high-efficiency lights glinted in the purified water and suddenly the dank basement flickered across his vision. He swallowed hard and set the glass down. All he could hear was Kodos’s snicker. Bile rose to answer the memory and for a moment the room went dark. 

An officer must have seen him sway, and Jim found himself sitting in the chair. “Despite the formalities, this is only an informational hearing,” the woman muttered in his ear. “You don’t need to be nervous. Just answer the questions.” She proffered the glass and Jim forced his hand around it, forced it to his lips. He wanted to drain it entirely, to drink until he burst, but he wasn’t dying anymore, and he settled for a small sip and a terse nod at the officer. 

On the other side of the partition, the courtroom filled. Jim could hear the shuffling feet and murmuring of the crowd. Most seemed to be law/ethics track cadets, but he caught snatches of other languages, alien dialects. Whatever this hearing was exactly, it was important. 

An admiral entered and stood within Jim’s view on the main stand. The crowd quieted and he spoke. “This is the commencement of the Committee on Command Negligence’s information-seeking hearing on the events of the Earth-class Federation colony Tarsus IV. Current reports mark the disaster as a famine. We begin a more in-depth investigation now. Two survivors, behind these partitions for their privacy and safety, will provide eye-witness accounts through interrogative prompting.” 

An officer from Jim’s partition stepped into main view. “Witness One, age fifteen.” The courtroom was utterly still. “Witness, please detail your purpose and arrival on the colony.” 

Jim swallowed. “When I was twelve I shipped off to Tarsus on the Colony Education Grant. I lived in the school dormitories and studied.” 

“Was there any sign of trouble when you arrived?”

“No sir. The colony felt very safe and peaceful at first.”

“Did you have any contact with Governor Kodos?”

 _The flick of a knife the death gasp of Winona blood..._ “He visited the school at least six months before the disaster, and again while the trouble was just beginning.”

“What does ‘trouble’ constitute, in your own words?”

 _Corpses gunfire hunger ire…_ ”At first, it was a few kids and teachers not coming to school for weeks on end. And then there was less food being served. We were told it was an emergency. And…and then there were gangs of security officers executing whole villages.” 

“Did you feel unsafe under Kodos’s governance?”

 _A bully, and I will not yield to him._ “Before I saw him, I almost worshipped him, back when the colony was prosperous. But he…he was a murderer. He made us all murderers. He was a butcher and a coward and—“

“Please answer the question directly. Did you feel unsafe?”

Jim paused a moment, gathering himself. A cold calm fell over him. “Yes, sir, I felt unsafe. I felt like a rabid, caged, starving beast under his governance, and I find his claim to power an unforgivable blemish on the Federation’s history. I will answer no further questions and I will have nothing more to do with this investigation, because even discussing Kodos makes me feel unsafe. He taught me that safety is an illusion. I would rather die than mention his name again. Not only did he himself make me feel unsafe, he made me a danger to myself. Now please dismiss me.” 

“Do you care to—“

“No.” Jim was shaking, the cold rage fully engulfing him. “His governance drove me—drove all of us—to do unforgivable things. As much as I hate him, I hate myself more. So no, I do not care to elaborate. I do not care to exist under Star Fleet’s protection. I do not care to give evidence in this hearing.” The cold lessened enough for him to stand, and he stalked around the partition and kept walking out the double doors. He could feel the crowd staring, the officers trying to organize themselves behind him. And he kept walking. 

The court erupted and the admiral stood, shouting for calm. “We have another testimony from Witness Two, age eleven.” The crowd settled into silence again, and Jim, standing at the doors, spared a quick look back. It had to be Kevin. _He cannot think better of me, but perhaps he doesn’t think worse_ , Jim thought. And then he flitted out the doors and into the street.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's another little cameo that makes a little more sense if you've read the Star Trek comic #18. Enjoy!

The bravery that had gripped Jim left him as soon as the red anger faded, and he realized that he hadn’t even made it off the Star Fleet campus. He picked a bench with a pleasant view of the Golden Gate Bridge and was the shade of a few arching mayten trees and sat down, waiting for the inevitable entourage to catch up.

They took longer than he expected, and the peace he enjoyed was unexpected as well. It was springtime, and a gentle breeze wafted around him. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d found weather, or any aspect of nature for that matter, beautiful. He couldn’t remember the last season he’d seen on Earth. He didn’t quite know how much time had passed since he’d left Iowa, or if he’d ever go back. For a few hours, this uncertainty in the shade was the best he’d felt in years. 

He watched a girl walk by with her parents. They were talking quietly, until she giggled and hit her father playfully. He ran after her, until the mother called out, “Nyota, stop it! Don’t you two muss your nice clothes.” 

The father stopped bashfully, but the girl frowned. “Uncle wouldn’t have minded.”

The mother’s wry grin slipped. “We have to keep up some appearances. It’s a memorial, after all, no matter what he would have minded.”

Their voices faded as they kept walking. Jim watched them go, considering how much life could hurt. That family hadn’t been on Tarsus. They were still alive, still whole. But they’d felt grief and sadness and pain all the same, and Jim wondered if his suffering meant anything at all. Tears welled up and he sniffed, fiercely trying not to weep. He hadn’t cried in a long time. He didn’t plan to for a while longer. He put his head in his hands and closed his eyes. 

They found him, head still bowed, sitting quietly on the bench. Jim was pulled upright with firm hands and shoved into the officers’ tight formation. He had no cheeky retorts this time. He felt empty and wanted to go home, though he did not know where home was. 

~~~

This time Jim was placed in a “holding facility,” which he took to mean they didn’t trust him enough to continue staying with the Smiths. He didn’t particularly mind. At least this containment felt a bit more honest than the strange false freedom of the foster home. It wasn’t a prison, exactly, but felt like more of an asylum. He had a narrow room with a bed, a chest of drawers (as if he had possessions), and a private bathroom. Meals were delivered to him and the nurses (wardens?) didn’t speak to him outside of a cursory greeting. 

They allowed him a PADD to occupy himself, and Jim spent a few days trying to hack the Federation files of Kodos. It wasn’t an easy task: the Tarsus hearings were ongoing and very little information had been released to Star Fleet, let alone the general public. But he was overflowing with time and a very focused will, so after about five days of trying, he found he’d dug deep enough. 

_File 0024006112: X Kodos for Governor of Class-M Planet Tarsus IV_

_Species: Human_  
 _Martial Status: Unknown_  
 _Mental State: Fit*_  
 _Recommendation: With reservation**_

_*After submitting name for possible gubernatorial election of new colony, subject was deemed sane but with some psychopathic tendencies._

_**Due to the low number of applicants and remote nature of Tarsus IV, subject could be effective leader. Advised council ruling: monitor subject until final settlement. –A. Marcus_

Jim’s breath caught and his heart pounded. Kodos’s insanity was no surprise, then. And the genocide could have been prevented. The window was open, and cool air blew through the screen. Jim walked over and looked up at the stars, at the dead lights and inevitable corpses of people he’d known. _All of this for nothing._

There was a knock on the door. “Kirk?” murmured a nurse. “James T. Kirk. You are called to trial one week hence concerning the events on Tarsus IV and your part in them.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...am I the worst? Yeah, I'm probably the worst. This was the cruelest, longest update time that I've inflicted yet, and you have my deepest apologies. But hopefully things will pick up again. I won't make promises I can't keep. But know that I haven't given up!

He spent the week forcing the Tarsus puzzle pieces together, arraying them in thousands of patterns and still forming no greater picture. The words and memories spun him around in the constant silence and he felt numb. _Psychopathic tendencies, monitor subject Tarsus Tarsus Tarsus Tarsus._ They locked his window. The stars lurked invisible above him. 

“Kirk. Put on the uniform that will be presented to you. In ten minutes’ time, you will be transported to the Federation Headquarters for your trial.”

At the sound of the warden’s voice, the small bedroom snapped into focus, and with it his plan. Jim stood and picked up the folded uniform. He tousled his hair and straightened all the buttons. Angling the PADD to capture his reflection, he inspected the result. _Not bad for an insane juvenile murderer,_ he thought. Jim started to put the borrowed gadget onto the bed, but thought better of it. _Evidence. If they want a bad guy, they may have me. For the moment._ He made sure the Kodos files he’d hacked were accessible and threw the PADD hard against the floor, quickly shoving it under the bed as soon as it fell. The screen was cracked, but it would probably still function. _Good._

Waiting outside the door was the largest entourage he’d had yet. They crowded him to the center of their ranks and moved en masse outside to a large armored shuttle. Jim’s hands were cuffed roughly behind him and a blindfold was slipped over his eyes. He sighed. “Ladies, you know that I know where HQ is, don’t you? Unless you bothered to change the geography of San Fran for this shit show, you’re not fooling anyone.” Only silence met his jab, though he half-thought he heard the slightest exhalation of laughter. 

As the shuttle slunk through the city, Jim mapped its progress in his head. He could feel it beginning to slow just where he expected, for which he was almost disappointed. “And arrival in 3…2…1,” he proclaimed, still blinded. “What did I tell you guys, I know exactly where this place is. Not my first rodeo.” Only silence answered him, but he kept talking, strangely elated. He felt as if he were boiling over, like steam screaming out of a kettle, like something tenuous and wild. “You probably don’t even have rodeos here. From my experience, they’re more of a Midwest thing. With the exception of Tarsus, which was without a doubt the biggest frickin’ rodeo I’ve ever seen. Kodos…talk about a dog and pony show—“ and finally a hand snaked around his head and covered his mouth. It had taken longer than Jim had wanted, but hopefully it served the purpose: he wanted them to think he was insane. _If Kodos can get off on insanity charges, so can I._

He struggled against the hand for the show of it, though he didn’t really care to try anything. If he struggled too hard, they would sedate him, and he needed every bit of his wits for the trial. And what was to follow.

There were a great many more people at the trial than had attended the hearing. A wunderkind gone mad and high stakes made for quite the show. Dogs and ponies, he thought, smiling grimly up at the crowd, his hands still bound. He was behind a one-way screen: the mass of people couldn’t see him, but he could peer through the translucent fabric to watch them. Perfect. 

A bailiff quieted the courtroom and made a few cursory introductions before reading a prepared statement off an officious-looking PADD. “The council has determined that of the eight thousand deaths on Federation Colony Tarsus IV, four thousand were by hunger and four thousand were foul play. Federation condolences are reiterated to any living relatives of the deceased.” Jim pursed his lips into a thin line. He’d known the death toll was coming, known it would be absurdly high, but still the number shook him. He held back a shiver, his wrists aching from the bonds. Kodos’s smile floated up from some dark part of his mind.

“On trial today is Witness A, an underage rebel who allegedly caused the deaths of four thousand innocents.” Jim took a deep breath and let out a calculated snicker, just loud enough to be heard over the bailiff’s voice. The bailiff hesistated only slightly before continuing. “The accused may give a brief statement at this time.”

Behind his partition, Jim stood. He took a deep breath and let the strange euphoria take him entirely. It was rage transmuted, alchemical transformation of the last week of captivity and hatred. “Ladies and gentlemen, you see before you, or would if not for this curtain, the Federation scapegoat. What you hope to see is a criminal mastermind, a villain so obviously evil that conviction would be immediate. But you’ve got me. Were you to view me in all my splendor, you would see a boy, a young man scrawny with old starvation and trauma. You would see a boy who has not wept only because he has forgotten how. You would see an animal.” He paused a moment, letting the silence reign on the crowd. “It was Tarsus that made me an animal. It was Kodos that made me a killer. Yes, I did poison the water supply, but that’s because the only people who were left to my knowledge were the military police force. The colonists were with me. They fought with me and against the so-called governor, and so many died in the struggle. Not a day goes by where I do not see them starved or shot in my dreams. Any hatred you feel toward me is a fragment of what I feel for myself, and even that is a tiny portion of what I feel towards Kodos. If you want a villain, he’s a strong choice.”

Voices in the crowd yelled, some in assent, some in confusion. Jim inhaled and continued. “But I think there is another villain somewhere in Star Fleet. Because someone had to appoint Kodos. And-“ the breath flew out of his lungs as an officer slammed into him, effectively halting his accusations.

The bailiff attempted to hush the crowd. “A brief recess will be granted.”

Jim struggled, but more officers crowded around and a nurse approached. To his surprise, it was Tan. “Jim, I wish you’d just answered the questions and kept your mouth shut,” she whispered, pushing a needle into his arm.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm the worst for not updating. Again. Apologies don't even cut it. Please forgive me this semester is a struggle okay

Bright florescent light. White paint. Mirrors. _Some things never change._ Jim blinked against the harsh interrogation room. To his muddled surprise, he was not bound or restrained. A wizened admiral (if he had attempted to disguise his rank, he’d failed to remove the stripes from his left shoulder) sat across the table from Jim, his brow furrowed. Jim slouched and eyed him cockily. 

The admiral cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Well, son, you’ve caused more than little trouble for us, as you probably realize,” he began. Jim raised his eyebrows, letting his icy eyes speak for him. He was still skinny, spirit still half-broken, but the admiral seemed nonetheless uncomfortable under his cool gaze. “Um, yes, of course.” Another tremendous _humph_ as he cleared his throat. “We’d like to find a way to clear up that trouble.” 

Jim stared for another few seconds. “I’m listening.”

An aide standing in the background stepped forward and placed a single piece of paper on the table. The admiral turned it to face Jim. “This means your silence. In return, it means our silence. As far as anyone will be concerned, you spent the past five years in foster care. We’ll put you back in Iowa and you can live your life. And if you ever feel like trying these kind of stunts again, either jump off a bridge or join Star Fleet.”

Jim read the agreement. “What makes you think silence can keep any of us safe?” he asked finally. “Don’t you care at all what just happened to eight thousand people? Doesn’t it matter to you that you might have a mole?” He fought to keep his voice monotone, but that red rage was never far away. “What makes you think I give a shit about living out my life? Quite frankly I’m charmed that you think I have a life worth living.” 

The admiral pursed his lips. “Son, personally I hope you don’t have a life worth living. You’re more trouble than you’re worth.”

Jim smiled grimly. “Good.”

“But we owe your family a lot. Your father was a great man, and though you’re quite a disappointing addendum to his legacy, we can’t harm a Kirk. So enjoy the free ride back to Iowa.”

“Thanks. I won’t,” muttered Jim. “Screw you too.” 

The admiral chose to ignore Jim’s rude mutterings and stood. He walked toward the far wall of mirrors and turned with a final horrible throat-clearing. “Oh. Son? You won’t remember this very clearly.”

The admiral opened a door in the mirrors to admit Nurse Tan. She held a syringe and her face was impassive, though not without a tinge of sadness in her eyes. Jim stiffened. 

“Do try to keep under our radar,” said the admiral, back turned as he strode out the door.

Tan advanced toward Jim. “Please don’t,” he whispered, feeling more panicked than he would have expected. “Please just don’t.”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry Jim. But you couldn’t keep your mouth shut and I have a job to do. I’m very good at that job.” Jim stood up, started to back away. Tan kept walking. “Hold still and it won’t hurt. The serum will only blur your memories; this isn’t the end of the world. Jim! Stop moving!”

But Jim was backed into a corner and didn’t intend to go down without a fight. “I don’t care what it does. It’s kind of a principle thing, you know?” 

“Stop playing games, Jim. They won’t let you go if you don’t take it.”

“Maybe I want to stay.” He kicked behind him and some of the mirrored wall shattered. 

“Don’t you dare.”

He snatched at a jagged piece of glass, but Nurse Tan wasn’t stupid. She leapt at him as he stooped and jabbed the needle into his arm and suddenly the world fractured. He slumped onto the floor, half-paralyzed with pain and woozy from the drugs. Tan dragged him away from the broken glass back to the interrogation table and leaned him against the chair. “I’m sorry, Jim,” she murmured, smoothing his hair and wiping a drop of blood from his arm. “Good luck out there.”

Already his memories of the last hours faded. He looked up through glazed eyes. Bright florescent light. White paint. Mirrors. _Some things never change._


End file.
